you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
