Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
