Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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