Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
