2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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