Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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