just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
