Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
