i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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