The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
