I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
