Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
