i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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