idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
