i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
