So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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