I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
