I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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