her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize