If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
