White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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