I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
