Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
