The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
