Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
