This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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