My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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