Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
