Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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