I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
