I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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