the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize