Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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