My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
