bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
