the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize