dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
