I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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