please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
