I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
