Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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