It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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