I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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