8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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