When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
