I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
