hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
