I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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