Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
