I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
