i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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